I have confronted loss a lot this year. I started the year losing a good friend to Los Angeles so he could pursue his career. I then lost my mind trying to finish school and secure a job. I got the lead role in a theatre show and it got cancelled. I lost my keys to my new car in Las Vegas (got them back thank god). I lost one of my favorite YouTubers to cancer. And recently, I have had to confront the possibility of losing a few friends. Loss is kind of at the core of my being as a human on this earth. For years, my social media bio said “Professional L Taker” because that’s who I was. I had to embrace my Ls cause I thought it made me a more humble human being. It’s not true. It’s never been true.

In therapy, I had to finally confront how fucking insecure I was about pretty much everything. The way my life has gone, my love life (or lack thereof), my appearance. I knew this was the case but I didn’t have the tools to properly address my insecurities. I just tucked them away in the corner, until I was unsure how to even feel feelings properly. The pandemic did a number on my psyche. But I took the plunge into therapy, and I changed a little. That’s all I asked for. A little change.

I went back and listened to Stevie Wonder during his “perfect run” in the 1970s. 5 albums culminating in Songs in the Key of Life. Considered by many one of the greatest albums ever recorded. It’s happy people music. There’s a joy involved in those albums, how can you ever not smile listening to Sir Duke. Deadass? It’s complex yet simple. It touches on the worst of the world, while celebrating it at the same time. It’s a perfect run of music. And now, I’m a big Stevie Wonder guy.

Loss has cut me before. Probably my favorite teacher of all time died in 2018. She wasn’t an old woman enjoying her retirement. She was barely out of her 30s and unfortunately passed due to life not being fair. I had always thought I had excised those feelings, but grief is funny. Grief reminds me of a chronic illness. Once its symptoms hit you, the best you can do is treat the symptoms. There is no cure. I’ve carried that weight for the past few years. But I guess I just had to reframe everything. So the journey continues! I will find ways to be a better me!