Pretense & Circumstance

  • i’ve seen it – olivia dean

    All awakening to love is spiritual awakening – bell hooks

    We’ve done a thing or two this year. Well… if you count not doing things as a thing or two, then I did at least three. 2025, the year of the snake in the Chinese Zodiac. I had slated to move out of Arizona (hopefully in Chicago), with a new job, and a new lease on life. None of that occurred. In fact, I quit my job, have burned through almost 10 grand in savings, and am further back from my goals than I was at this time last year. It was disappointing… that’s kind of the year it’s been (for most people in the world). I made a choice, and I don’t regret it somehow. This year has done a number on me. I didn’t change much at all. But I think I’m starting to realize that maybe that’s what life is. An interconnected string of years where you’re largely the same. I just can’t see it out that way. I sometimes wish I could approach a level of profundity that most writers and artists have. I can’t seem to focus for long enough to get to that level. Instead, I just try to ping my thoughts out and hope that it means something. So that’s what I’ll do here.

    I started this post with a quote from bell hooks’ All About Love. This year has made me think a lot about love. I’ve always enamored with love as a concept, its many mysteries, and why we feel it. I don’t think I’ll ever really find an answer, but I do love to ponder. It was practically serendipity that this year Olivia Dean, an artist I’ve been meaning to get into for a few years now, released an album that heavily refers to All About Love, The Art of Loving. It immediately struck me when I heard it for the first time. The beauty in it. She talks about loving the versions of herself that existed before and after, lamenting a past relationship that ended but kept the same feelings of love, and of course being the man she needs to feel loved (amongst a few other songs). I was struck by this album. It immediately became one of my most played and favorites of the year. While the music is great, the bond I felt toward this album was truly toward my connection to love. I watched two weddings this year, one for my family and one I’ve been yearning for since I was a teenager, one for one of my close friends. I had to reflect a lot on love this year. Especially in a non-romantic context. I’ve always seemed to crash out on the people I love the most. I sometimes think it was due to me fulfilling some sort of prophecy that made me unlovable and a bad person. Yet, the people I love remained. In the hardest hours of my worst decisions, they stood with their heels stuck to the ground, right there with me. And it saddens me to think that it took me this long to figure that out. I haven’t quite solved all my issues with insecurity, but at the very least, I have let myself be loved, at least for once.

    I think I felt as if my 2025 would’ve been much more active, something better. But it wasn’t. I’d argue that it was possibly my worst case scenario. But again… I am at peace with it. I’m not necessarily happy, of course. But I am probably better off than I would’ve been sticking with my job that was probably mentally, physically, and spiritually killing me. Like I said, I wish I had a much more profound statement to say. Some sort of piece of writing that would unlock the innermost thoughts I have and really let my soul fly. But I don’t. Maybe try me next year. Or don’t, I don’t know…

    ,

  • yume utsutsu – lamp

    Been on a kick lately… so at the suggestion of my new family therapist, I am going to write about what I want my life to look like in Chicago (or well… anywhere else but here). I haven’t sat with my thoughts on it, I’ve been so focused on how to get there and not really worried about the why of it. I was just looking at a meme and I think I feel it in a weird way. It was a screencap of a TikTok saying “Just realized that in order to achieve my dreams instead of maladaptive daydreaming I have to face my fears lol”, I relate but in like an opposite way. I am so hyperfixated on my trepidations and concerns of how it will work, I forget to think about a good day in Chicago. I let my fears face me, instead of thinking of the person I will be on the other side of those fears… so here goes… I guess…

    I want to live in a walkable city, like truly walkable. I LOVE MASS PUBLIC TRANSIT BABY. Trains, biking, traversable streets, this is the kind of shit I yearn for. I think I’m so car-brained and I want to get away from that for once. I think it will not only help me mentally, but physically. I’ve heard people lose weight after moving to New York City, and I’d just love that to happen to me.

    I somehow also believe that even though the cold is something I’ve never truly dealt with day-to-day, I feel like I want to know what it’s like. Arizona is so hot, and I want to experience actual seasons. My favorite time in Arizona is winter, when I can wear things with layers and find new ways to express myself with fashion. Plus, seeing snow pile up outside my window,,, what a sight that would be.

    There is always something cool happening in Phoenix nowadays, the unfortunate part is I am at least 30 minutes away by car. Which requires a lot of planning and prep. I want to be able to walk out of my door step and just see things happening. A mural being painted, a museum 10 minutes from my location, a girl busking in the station, a life I am not aware of being experienced in front of me. You can find pockets in Arizona, but not as much as you can in a place like Chicago. There are just more people, more things, more life. It’s hard to compare.

    Now, for a lot of this, it seems like I am just gushing about New York City or Los Angeles (well… maybe less on the walkability aspect). But what I think separates a place like Chicago for me is the friendliness. Chicago is in the midwest, which stereotypically is a friendly culture. They aren’t going to immediately accept me, but I’ve heard many a tale of the “Seattle freeze” or the “New Yorkers are mean”, so I have to take it seriously. Chicago is a big city with lots of people, I will find a tribe of people, that’s a given. But the thing is, finding that tribe will be much easier in a working class, friendlier city like Chicago. There’s just something that seems unpretentious about Chicago (which I know blog title). I guess I really just enjoy the sense of pragmatism and optimism I feel from the city. That’s something that can separate Chicago in my head. That’s my hope at least. At the very least, I can at least talk about the weather in Chicago versus Arizona, so that’ll be something.

    I value access and freedom. I want to access the world. In Arizona, I just feel so closed off at times. Like this is all I’ll ever be when I’m around home. Even when I’m with friends, my world seems so limited. I just don’t like that aspect about living here. I’ve said many a time to my parents, friends, and others that I leave the door open to return to Arizona. It is my home after all… but something pulls me to a higher purpose. To see a new part of the Earth and truly taking it in. It’s why I love traveling, why I love novelty, why I love trying new things. I get scared and anxious, who doesn’t? But I just feel a gumption to try. This is my goal, this is my purpose. My why isn’t to run away from any thing negative here. I don’t want to abandon my home. But I’ve been too comfortable for far too long, and there needs to be some change. I need to will it. I need to act on it. So here we go. My life in Chicago on the other side of the fears, the anxiety. Maybe not new, maybe not even happy, but excited that I finally did something about my life here. That’s all I ask for.

    ,

  • ballerina – daisy the great

    I’ve been playing EA skate a lot lately. I’ve been a fan of the EA Skate games since the first one came out in 2007. I don’t remember exactly how or why, but I got into skating young. Let me caveat and say my ass can’t even Ollie. I can ride decently well, but it’s also been at least 3 years since I hopped on my board. So Tony Hawk and Skate were the only ways I could vicariously live my skate dreams. I’ve spent endless time on Skate 1, 2, and 3. Now, here’s the 4th installment, the long anticipated Skate 4. But things have changed significantly. In the 15 years since Skate 3 came out the landscape of the world, skating, and our future is now altered. We are in a period of change, big change. Change so monumental that it threatens to be the end of all that we know. And I believe that this is all represented in this new EA skate game.

    Reactions to the game have been mixed to put it mildly. Younger and newer players are enamored with the gameplay, the extensive amount of content available in a free-to-play game, and the easy-going nature of it. Older and veteran players lament the lack of depth, lack of “skate” culture, and the overall vibes being off. Why I feel weirdly compelled to talk about this is I just got done watching a video from Gifted Hater on Youtube (https://youtu.be/kRSiYP9p2oQ?si=hwLVKCGkxOU21Wg_) about the old titans of skating and how they’ve gone off the deep end. People who were in the first 3 Skate titles. Guys like Eric Koston (who has ties to EDGLRD which donates massive amounts of money to Israel, to feed the ongoing genocide of the Palestinians), Paul Rodriguez (with his ongoing association with the Austin Comedy scene/right-wing/Christian media), and Andrew Reynolds (with the weird circumstances behind his coverage in his old age). It had me thinking a lot over a critique from a lot of veteran Skate gamers on this new EA skate game. They tend to lament how “skate” culture isn’t represented in this game. They claim the game feels sanitized, sterile, and corporate. The old games used to have a corporation called MongoCorp that was the “boogieman” of the series. Most times you ran into a restricted skate area or had obstacles put in your way it was most likely planted by MongoCorp. In the new game, the name has been changed to MCorp (as Mongo carries a negative connotation now, I guess) and their presence (outside of one hulking tower in one of the districts) is pretty much erased. I contend that this “lack of skate culture” isn’t tied to the game specifically (all the voices of the main cast of characters are all pro skaters and real brands are included), but more tied to the overall change in the skate culture.

    The titans of the industry, the Tony Hawks, the Danny Ways, the Rodney Mullens have all been somewhat involved in the money-making machine that is capitalism. For a lot of skaters, the real money is in marketing yourself and starting a brand. Tony Hawk started Adio, Birdhouse, and leveraged his celebrity into the Tony Hawk games (what a coincidence). Danny Way took ownership of DC Shoes, Plan B, and found his way into the EA Skate games. Mullen founded Almost Skateboards and became an owner/investor into World Industries and Globe Footwear (along with appearing in the Tony Hawk games). These guys have become multi-millionaires. So it was no wonder their younger compatriots followed their footsteps.

    The new age of skateboarding is probably most epitomized by the inclusion of the sport in the Olympics. Skaters had long been against the potential addition of the sport. Even the phrasing of calling skateboarding a sport offends a lot of skaters. But once Rob Dyrdek established Street League Skateboarding (SLS) and created a consistent rulebook/ format it was over. That’s all that was needed to create a place for skateboarding in the Olympics. The skating is good I’ll admit, if not very technical and clean. But watching the skaters lineup on pristine, white courses, built for optimized skating was strange to say the least. What happened to game I love?

    This new Skate game includes a lot of elements of the new skate culture. Plazas built with perfectly skate-able obstacles. No one is there to stop you from skating, not even pedestrians or cars. They even got rid of the aspect of seeing your skater break their bones or get cuts/scrapes through a new feature from the in-game company Imperva-Tek. The aforementioned characters you meet voiced by pro skaters all explain directly to the player “skate lingo” as if they’re children (including the infamous “footy is short for footage”). Because, ostensibly, it is. This game is supposed to be built for the newbies and the children to introduce them to skateboarding. However, so were the previous games. So what is the sauce we’re missing from this game? Honestly, to me it isn’t missing much. I recognize the goals of the game, this isn’t meant for the hardcore skater. It never was. But to me, it made skateboarding as a whole unrecognizable to me.

    In year’s past, much has been said over one of the new potential titans of skateboarding, Tyshawn Jones. His aggressive ability to market himself and create generational wealth should honestly be studied by marketing students. He’s a very talented skater, no doubt about it. But lately, he doesn’t really do that. Instead he goes about his days doing photoshoots and meeting up with fashion moguls. Now he is the one young skaters look toward for inspiration, further shifting the expectations of a skateboarding career away from what they used to be.

    It’s tough to talk about all of this when the average pro skater makes significantly less money than in year’s past. Independent skater brands and companies are going by the wayside every year, even big ones like Lakai or Enjoi. Former staples of the industry. Big brands like Nike, Adidas, and Vans are now at the forefront of skateboarding, gobbling up the top pros for their brands in sponsorships. When the inevitable Nike or Adidas box/products drops in the EA skate shop, people will buy em up with the SV bucks (that are all bought using real currency). It’s no wonder why this problem proliferates. We all need to stay complicit in it. From the company making the product, to the skater riding for the product, to the consumer buying the product. It’s all part of this viscous cycle that repeats endlessly over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…

    I wrote this trying to talk myself through this game’s reception. I think that EA skate isn’t a cause of why skate culture is dying. I think it’s just mirroring it to the veterans and I think they just didn’t like seeing it in the mirror. It’s happening with everything. Every subculture we used to hold dear. It’s now just… a formless blob of everything. Nothing fulfills a specific niche, it’s now for everyone because it has to be. Otherwise it is doomed to be misunderstood, misappropriated, and shuttered into a box away from everyone else. It’s sad in a way. I miss it being simple. I miss playing skate for an hour and then going outside to try a trick. I miss even being able to sit still for an hour to play. That doesn’t happen anymore.

    ,

  • don’t tap the glass – tyler, the creator

    So I just finished my trip to Chicago for Lollapalooza (at the airport as I write this!). I thought I’d be moved out here by now, but no. I am flying back to Arizona with no prospects at the moment. It’s a bittersweet feeling. Something melancholic. I do still wish to move out here. But the timeline keeps extending. A lot of it is out of my hands, but I do think I could be doing more. That feeling lingers, and it makes me mad at myself. But in truth, I think it actually scares me.

    This trip really illuminated parts of me that I think I’ve been missing on. I saw a video today from this guy Garrett from Goldies on Instagram about uncertainty and it has me thinking (link to video). I don’t think I can ever truly be sure of a thing. There will always be parts of me that are uncertain, and to me uncertainty is anxiety. It’s worrying about the next possible outcome, even if it’s something as simple as picking between a beer and a water. What kind of life is this? I have trouble figuring out where that comes from. I want to tackle it head on, but I am not sure if I can ever truly undo it. My worrying leads a lot to regret. Which has become the theme of my current life. I am no where near the man I thought I’d have become when I was small. In fact… I still don’t feel like a man. But I’m not quite a boy. My back and guts remind me of that frequently.  

    One of the moments that made me feel weird is this group chat I was in for Lolla. I joined a group chat with people claiming to go solo (only like 4 of us were truly solo), and I only met up with a few folks. Granted, it was a couple more than I think I should’ve expected. But man… it is weird to go on Saturday and Sunday and have literally no one to talk to about my experience. Maybe that’s why I wanted to open about it here. I pay for this blog after all.

    Okay so the hook for this post, top 5 things I saw at Lolla and 5 things I think weren’t cool. 

    THE GOOD:

    1. Both Rebecca Black sets. She did a set at Perry’s (the DJ stage) and her set at Tito’s (her pop set). She was electric, really understood crowd control, and it’s kind of wild that the girl who made the “worst song ever” is a full-on (gay) star. She was electric in both presence but in choreo. Plus a crowd full of gays just vibing is always good to experience… think about that for once homophobes…

    2. Mk.Gee. One of my most anticipated sets and he didn’t disappoint… okay well maybe a little cause I thought he’d bring Dijon out, but that was on me not him. I was around these white-ass, hiking-ass, granola-ass mother fuckers and they loved it. It really added so much to the experience to me. We ended up linking arms and swaying to one of the songs, and it was highkey sublime. Mk.Gee himself was great, the fucking pedals making his guitar sound like a laser, it was just a great experience.

    3. T-Pain. Energy energy energy. He really did it all. Choreo, sanging, dancing, karaoke, set design, jokes. He brought it, plus I spent the time with a wonderful couple who were really into it. He played much more than I expected (shout out Journey). I expected him to be great, and he was it.

    4. Doechii. In terms of pure performance, she was the best set of the weekend to me. There’s something about people who bring respect to hip-hop that makes me happy. She did all sorts of great mashups, had amazing choreo, and rapped her fucking ass off. You don’t get many people who can do that. She showed me the future of hip-hop, and we should all be excited.

    5. Joey Valence and Brae. I knew it’d be wild, sweaty, energetic. But I got fucking buck, dawg. Had me injuring my neck and shit because I was banging my head like a punk. It was amazing. I was middle barricade for this, and it was a fantastic experience, got to be close to Joey (man boy stank lol, but I’ll give it to him he gave us everything).

    THE NOT COOL:

    1. Leaving the barricade for Magdalena Bay. I was parked at Mag Bay for most of the day, but decided to leave to meet with people from my group chat and I really regret that choice. One, Mica came out to the crowd and I was there. Two, I met a few really great dudes and never got to see em again. Three, I ended up next to this like 12 year old kid and he killed my vibe a bit. Mag Bay was great though, they’re like an honorable mention for 5 good things.

    2. The line for every fucking activation/pop-up store. I probably should’ve got in much earlier each day, so that’s on me. But does every brand activation need a line around the block? For basically nothing? Come the fuck on…

    3. The Marias guy. The Marias were great. Maria is a killer (plus I saw them abs, what are you training for, girl?) and the rest of the band is elite. But next to me was this group of like 9 late teen/early-20s frat/sorority types. A few of em were coupled up, and they were sitting down in pretty prime real estate (next to people standing). That’s one thing, but then I look over and half of em are on their phones playing fucking games or reading social media. Are you insane? You paid all this money to come watch music, and you just play games on your phone? Are people truly that cooked? There was only one guy standing and watching was by himself and he was trying to get into it, but his friends were for sure killing his vibe. Because multiple times he started talking to his friends to tell them to at least watch the concert in front of them. Yet, they all just sat there. Plus all the guys (except my man paying attention) were shirtless and it’s so stereotypical. Frat guys shirtless at the festival. Put your titties away, harlots. Marias guy ended up leaving halfway through the set to look for someone. I feel bad. You need better friends, dude. Now I understand Steve Lacy lmao.

    4. Regrets. The following are small regrets building to my biggest regrets. It’s going to be kind of a brain dump, so no list just a sentence. Not talking to Jane Remover when she was at the Peggy set. Just barely missing Do or Die by Flux Pavillion (the song with Childish Gambino). Going to Chance the Rapper who barely did anything. Missing Jane Remover’s set entirely. Missing Mariah the Scientist (she brought Young Thug). Leaving my spot at Katseye and missing Gabriella. Missing Zinadelphia’s set for her Bud Light Backyard set that we couldn’t hear her for half of the 30 minutes she had. Not taking time to truly connect with new people. Not coming in earlier most days. Missing TWICE because Mk.Gee was scheduled at the same damn time. 

    5. Closing with A$AP Rocky. So his ass started almost 20 minutes late, which is it’s own thing. But his set was super disorganized and almost wasn’t worth it. Until he played LVL and Demons. I ended up leaving pretty early before he started playing some bullshit because he was getting cut off (due to sound curfew). Granted, I didn’t really care to see Sabrina Carpenter, Martin Garrix, or Latin Mafia. But I’m sure I would’ve had more fun anywhere else, honestly. 

    Anyway, I still do love Chicago (though I have some things lingering in the back of my head). I’ll be back soon!! (And next time, I won’t eat anything with peanuts lol)…

    , ,

  • nsync – smino

    “So what are you doing back here?”

    “Hanging in the city, trying to remember what it was like living here.”

    “And how is it now?”

    “You know, it’s changed a lot.”

    “How so?”

    “There are more chain restaurants.”

    “Unlike where you’re at now?”

    “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

    “Gotta be more to it. It’s only been 2 years, you have to have more than that.”

    “I can’t put my finger on the exact thing, I guess. It’s an essence. A Je ne sais quoi.”

    “See that’s something you’ve never said before. You’ve changed. Not here.”

    “How can you say that?”

    “Nothing here has changed. Only you.”

    “Yeah. I guess that’s right.”

    “For the better though?”

    “I don’t know actually.”

    I’m still angry. Resentful. Filled to the brim with pissing rage. But I don’t know where to place the energy. I’m not competitive, I’m not really disciplined, nor am I really fiery. I am just angry. Perhaps it has to do with Aries Season. Who knows. I need to quell my anger. It’ll be essential to my growth.

    , ,

  • just for now – imogen heap

    “Did you see that video where the guy and his cat did a synchronized flip?”

    “I haven’t. I actually haven’t been on Instagram for a week.”

    “I’ll pull it up.”

    ///

    “Wait… you haven’t been on Instagram for a week?”

    “Yep.”

    “Oh. How is that going?”

    “Man, it’s been going pretty good, honestly. I’ve been more productive and present at work, I don’t feel all sleepy all the time, and I actually read a book this week.”

    “Wow, that’s cool. Good for you.”

    “Thanks. I’m actually of thinking of deleting it full-time.”

    “Wait. Deleting like the app from your phone?”

    “No, like my profile entirely.”

    “How are you gonna do that?”

    “By deleting it?”

    “No, but like… how are you going to talk to people and stuff? Or like enjoy memes?”

    “I guess I just won’t.”

    “How?”

    “By not using it?”

    “Aren’t your parents on Instagram?”

    “Yeah.”

    “And your friends from high school and college?”

    “Yes.”

    “And your girlfriend?”

    “What’s your point?”

    “How are you going to like talk to them?”

    “Texting, phone calls, facetime, email-“

    “You’re going to email your girlfriend?”

    “Why do you have such an issue with this?”

    “Everyone is on Instagram. You can’t just remove yourself from it all full-time.”

    “Why not?”

    “Because! It’s how you stay tapped in, it’s how you keep up with culture, it’s how you keep up with your friends!”

    “And I can’t do that by calling them? Or watching the news? Or texting people?

    “So, you’ll be a hermit?”

    “How is me not being on Instagram being a hermit?”

    “I don’t know. I just can’t put myself in your shoes. It makes no sense to me.”

    “So we’re having a conversation right now, correct?”

    “Yes.”

    “And I can ask you anything I want?”

    “Sure.”

    “And I can call you later if you aren’t home to talk, right?”

    “If I’m not busy.”

    “Whatever. Don’t you see, how is removing one avenue of communication changing anything? I can still talk to you, in fact, I prefer it when we sit on the couch together. You can still show me your memes. And we lost nothing, right?”

    “But what about like major life updates? How will people know if you propose to Jean?”

    “Can they not ask me about it? Or can I not just tell them?”

    “What about new music, new movies, or new tv shows?”

    “I might be a little late, but I’ll find out from someone or see it in an ad or something.”

    “What about concerts?”

    “You’ll probably tell me, honestly.”

    “Everything is online, everything is on Instagram. Why do you want to just drop it?”

    Life has been tough to swallow. The cynic in me is taking over. I had it out with my life, and decided to take a step back, re-assess. So I’ve deleted Instagram from my phone and see where that takes me. I miss my lil meme dumps, of course. But I just need to remove myself from that app for a while. I guess, what is spurring me on is that I am seeing everything from my own bubble. I’m not truly living. I’ve been stuck in a rut, a cycle of running away from my problems by doomscrolling. And it’s not healthy. I’ve been irritable, irrational, and illogical. It feeds my constant delusions of grandeur and delusions of doom. So I am going to be away for a while. It’s a needed reset.

    I am beginning my process of moving to Chicago. I found a guy on Reddit willing to share an apartment with me for pretty cheap. Granted, I don’t know where this will go (we’ve barely exchanged pleasantries). But I updated my resume and LinkedIn and I’m going to apply to jobs. It’s time to move forward. Sadly… it requires work. But it’s necessary. I will need this for me to have a better life. I am going to start writing more (I actually did a shit ton of reading this week for my writing projects!), I am going to start documenting this process, and most of all, I am going to stop letting life slip me by. It’s time to take fucking control!

    , ,

  • obvious – oklou

    “If I can speak frankly, I feel very isolated. There’s a distance when we talk. I really don’t feel like I know you.”

    “I mean… I don’t really know myself so…”

    “See that’s exactly what I’m talking about. If I try to express something, you kind of throw it back at me. What do you mean you don’t know yourself.”

    “I’m in the midst of a fucking identity crisis, my dude. I find myself locked between multiple versions of me and I can’t keep up. Like okay, do you know when you’re watching a sitcom and the main character has two dates at a dance and they keep mistaking their costumes and eventually they get caught because the dates figure out you’re playing them? That’s how I feel right now. Like I’m trying to parse which side of you I need to show, because I show different sides of myself.”

    “I guess, I understand what you mean. But that just means you’re never being honest. How can I trust you? You say you’re lying constantly…”

    “I didn’t say I was lying.”

    “You just admitted to me you’re two-faced.”

    “That’s not what I mean, I just mean there’s different aspects to my personality you aren’t aware of.”

    “And how is that not lying?”

    “Because I’m being truthful to that side of my personality. Just because I don’t show you a different side, doesn’t mean I’m lying about it.”

    “Lying by omission. That’d get you in court.”

    “But I’m not in court, am I?”

    “No, I suppose. You’re in real life. And in real life, you just lost a friend. Goodbye.”

    There’s kind of something that I’ve noticed in certain sections of the internet. “Friend group A and friend group B”, “can’t let gang know I fw this”, “I’m only real with my girls”. Something, I used to reply internally to and go “wow, okay #relatable”, like, and then move on. But now, I have an issue with it. Mostly on me, because I’ve internalized it. I have aspects to myself that I still haven’t shown to other “friend groups” because, in my relentless pursuit to be likable to everyone, I know that’s not what I’m known for. I don’t crashout in front of people. I also hate telling people the truth of who I really am. Because who I really am, scares me. I’m lazy, I’m angry a lot of the time, and I really don’t harbor a lot of love in my heart. I’ve grown tired of it. And I work every day to combat this in me. But it’s translated to me not understanding how to behave around people. I’m constantly aware that my proximity to people has been limited. I don’t get close to anyone. I keep everything so close to the chest. Because, ultimately, I’m scared of myself. But it needs to change. I’ve seen the spoils of the chronically online, introverts like me. It hurts me to see so many incel-types fall down pipelines, because the true allure isn’t being Andrew Tate, being Elon Musk, or being Trump. It’s that people like you, people want to be around you, people care about you. It’s community we yearn for.

    I have a group of friends now. And while I consider them to be close… I really don’t think they feel the same back. They like me (because I am likable!) and they think of me at times. But when things get tough, we fall into our habits and isolate. We turn insular. And to attempt to pry, to try to come in isn’t what we want. I used to burn out online sometimes and call attention to myself for attention, but rejected the attention when it came from sources that I didn’t want to associate with. I regret that. I regret that I targeted myself to people who would never love me the same way I needed. Instead of spending that time yearning, and itching, I should have opened my heart to sources that existed outside of what I thought I wanted. Mostly… I find myself attracted to cults of personality. People who have lots of friends already. And instead of harboring good relationships who seek something similar, and don’t have it. I invest myself in people who are already beholden to something else. I think we all chase things. There’s a perpetual state of chasing.

    I’m burning out right now because I see the worst tendencies of myself exhibited in my friends. They isolate to self-soothe, like I do. They stop initiating, like I do. They became shells of themselves, like I do. And while I grow tired of it. I think coming from a place of empathy is the only way I can continue building this community. Rather unfortunately… I am leaving soon. And it hurts me to finally feel rooted in something, and strip it away from myself. I hope to remain in my friend’s life. But if I’m being honest with myself, I probably wasn’t truly that close to them if it fades.

    We all walk away with regrets in this life, but not opening my heart sooner is one of my life’s largest. I kept to myself for so long that I linger with people, I draw too much attention to myself, and it’s become unbearable. I will keep learning.

    , ,

  • chill baby – sza

    “Good morning, sleepy head.”

    “Hm?”

    “Wake up, I made coffee.”

    “Woah. Who are you?”

    “Don’t act like you don’t know, big boy.”

    “Sorry… I guess I was hammered last night. Because I really don’t remember…. Sorry.”

    “No need to apologize. I get it. I’m Alicia. We met last night.”

    “Well clearly. I don’t need coffee, I’d like some water actually. Could you get some for me, please?”

    “Sure. But only because you said please.”

    ///

    “Here.”

    “Thanks… I must have met you at Spills, right?”

    “Yep.”

    “I’m actually really sorry I don’t remember anything. Somewhere between my sixth and seventh shot, I got lost.”

    “No worries, dude. It does kind of hurt that you don’t remember me though. I mean, you were very good.”

    “Well, I’m flattered. And like I said, sorry again. Thanks for letting me sleep and the uh… did we…?”

    “Yeah, we did.”

    “Ah. Cool. I must say, you are very beautiful.”

    “Thanks.”

    “I mean it. I mean… I hate to pillow talk, but you have got to be one of the prettiest girls I’ve ever met. And it pains me, truly, that I don’t remember having sex with you.”

    “Okay.”

    “You weren’t drunk, right? Cause I hate to like think that I did something wrong.”

    “I was tipsy.”

    “So you weren’t drunk.”

    “How long are you going to stay here?”

    “I don’t know, however it long it takes me to get up and going.”

    “Yeah, that’s fine. I just… I have a lecture to get to-“

    “No, yeah, I’ll get out of your hair. Uh, how old are you?”

    “22.”

    “Oh.”

    “Is there something wrong with that?”

    “No… I mean not on your end. But, well, for me…”

    “How old are you?”

    “31.”

    “Oh.”

    “Yeah.”

    “Shit.”

    “Yep.”

    “Why didn’t you ID me?”

    “I think it’s best if we leave everything else unanswered, and I just leave. Okay?”

    “You look young.”

    “31 is not that old.”

    “I thought you were, at most, 25.”

    “You know you are pushing a lot of buttons for me, but I would appreciate if you just let me get out of here.”

    “My roommate was right, I think I do have a thing for older guys.”

    “Didn’t need to hear that.”

    “You’re older than my oldest brother.”

    “Didn’t need to hear that either.”

    ///

    “Thanks for making coffee and for the water, again. I really appreciate it. But let’s just move on from this, okay?”

    “Sure…”

    “Good luck in school, and lecture… I guess. Bye.”

    ,

  • the bug collector – haley heynderickx

    “When I was six, I had a friend who liked to call me ‘big bird’. I used to be fucking tall as a kid, like I remember standing in the back of the class for class photos. Or like when they lined us up in gym class tallest to shortest.”

    “What ever happened?”

    “Dude, I know. I topped out at 5’11. It’s fucking tough.”

    “Sorry for interrupting.”

    “Nah you’re good. Anyway, my friend called me big bird. And I didn’t have a TV as a kid, so I had no idea who big bird was. I went home and asked my mom who big bird was. And she lost her shit. She was telling me he was trying to indoctrinate me or something. I, deadass, almost stopped going to school because my mom was hysterical.”

    “Your mom? Isn’t she like a granola mom?”

    “She’s chilled out, I guess.”

    “You think she voted for Trump?”

    “She voted for Jill Stein, prolly.”

    “Then what happened?”

    “Oh yeah. So my mom is about to call the school and tell them not to show me Sesame Street and stuff. But then my dad walked in, and he always told her she was too paranoid. He made her hang up, told her she was being nuts, and put me in the backyard. They argued for a while. I was playing basketball, when my mom came out to call me in for dinner. That night we went to Walmart and bought a TV, and I watched Ren and Stimpy.”

    “Huh. That’s a crazy thing to watch first.”

    “I know right.”

    “Whatever happened to your friend?”

    “Funny thing. I don’t know. He moved later that year, and I never heard about him since.”

    “Isn’t that crazy?”

    “Yeah.”

    Sometimes my nostalgia comes to me at night. Late night. It embraces me in my loneliest moments, comforting me with a hug. Some nights, it’s warm and milky. Life is seen through rose colored goggles. Other times, it’s cold and vacuous. I’ve never really experienced trauma. Not in the same way my parents have probably had. No, I’ve lived a sheltered life. But the cold embrace of the nostalgia weighs on me. It grasps me. Not letting go, unless I force it to.

    I have had issues in my life with dreams. I don’t really dream at night, when I sleep. Instead, I daydream. I think it may be due to my tired eyes. From the lack of sleep, I spawn the craziest dreams of things I never wanted to see. Visions of cringe, visions of the sexual, visions of a life I never wanted to live. There is a cynical side of me that I’ve grown to despise in life. It prevents me from exploring new things. Because what if it goes wrong. Unfortunately, you cannot avoid the pitfalls of life. It’s nigh impossible to. So what holds me back is the cynic in me. Making certain that things will go bad. Even if they don’t.

    I remember times of childhood. They bleed into my dreams at times. I don’t miss being a child. Boogers in my nose till 13, stinky feet, awkward encounters with everyone. But I do miss the blissful ignorance. Young Jayden never had to know that his friends had sex while he was in the house. Young Jayden didn’t have to pay taxes. Young Jayden didn’t have to comprehend manmade horrors because that’s what everyone does now. I’ve tried to look up people I used to go to school with, see if anything became of them. Because of the nature of life, most times I’m left with nothing. People aren’t chronically online like me. I’ve seen some though. Kids who ended up swinging one way politically (like I knew they would). Teens who burnt out at way too early of an age (at too privileged of an area). Adults who have fucking kids now.

    I sometimes feel like I keep the memory of certain people alive. Some of the more elusive kids I looked up. The ones who disappeared on everyone. Whatever happened to them? I don’t know. I want to know. I need to. But then the feeling goes away. The dreams stop. And then I am sat, wondering why I ever did it in the first place. I allow my mind to wander too much. Hm.

    ,

  • vampire in the corner – magdalena bay

    “Did we ever meet before”

    “What do you mean?”

    “You seem so familiar to me”

    “I’m sorry. Don’t think we ever met before.”

    “Okay”

    I don’t quite feel at home anymore. Well, I do (I’m literally in bed as I write this). I just mean in a cosmic sense. Something I’ve had to constantly contend with in my life is feeling outside everything. Outside my body, outside my head, outside the world. I am by no means unique in this feeling. Plenty of people have felt on the fringes. And for me, nothing about me particularly stands out. But it’s this feeling. It inhabits me when I gain some sort of sentience in a conversation. Like I, all of a sudden, lost my ability to navigate through this and I need to desperately need to escape. I make it out because I’ve trained myself to. But when I leave the conversation, it creeps back in. Just staring at me in the corner, like my sleep paralysis demon. I tend to distract myself, telling myself constantly that it’s just me overthinking. And it often is. The feeling comes back though. Especially when I get flustered and lost in conversation.

    I guess something this has spurned on me is thinking about my relationship to people. I can’t shake this image out of my head. One of my friends (who I probably had more feelings for than I am truly willing to admit to myself) was trying hard to hook up with this guy at a party, and she got really close to him. Like really close to him. They was up in each other’s grill, fam. I stared at them… for longer than I should have. It had me thinking. Has anyone ever showed that much physical wanting to me? I’ve never really been physically attractive. The proof is in the pudding. And I think there’s a huge sense that is something I’ve always wanted to experience. The experience of having someone physically finding me attractive. That they cannot even hide it. They are unashamed. That’s something I’ve missed in my life. It has been noodling around in my head a bit.

    Recently, I went to a bar with some co-workers. I met this guy and his beautiful girlfriend. We got one moment alone and I guess I asked him about dating. He disclosed to me that he was divorced. I asked him how he was able to “bag a baddie” (these were my words, ashamedly). He advised me that I present too “feminine” and that girls don’t really like that… Now, I’ve been one to think about potentially changing myself to please others. But after that comment, it really exposed how out of place I must be. I don’t believe I do present too “feminine”, I am me. And surprisingly, I was being the most me I had been for a long while in that moment.

    It’s these things that add up and give me some sort of sense that I don’t know who I am. My identity is being explored less and less. Work is draining me, and I am trying to lose weight. People say in times of struggle, that’s when you learn the most about yourself. But if I was being truly honest with myself, I’ve learned the most about myself in the moments where I’ve thrived. When I wasn’t floating by. Because in those moments, I truly feel like I can process what is coming at me. Those moments, when I felt outside of myself, always come at times where I disliked myself the most. When I was at my most self-conscious.

    I am kind of over criticizing myself. It’s not good enough to make change. It’s not good enough to finding myself. An elusive goal, finding yourself. But a worthy one. At least, I think so.

    ,