I just had a wonderful conversation with a friend (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nw_JWF4ZYq8). Essentially, giving me an idea of what goes into a relationship (platonic or otherwise). I’ve become really close to a few people in the last couple years. Before these last few years, I’d hardly call anyone an actual close friend. In fact, in this life I have been content to go it mostly alone. Something that I think isn’t healthy for the human psyche. And yet, I had that attitude. But when I started working, for whatever reason, I’ve made more friends than I ever did in the previous nineteen years I had been alive.

Let me weave you into this conversation’s context. We were chilling in one of my friend’s new-ish apartment. She and I are single right now (her for a month or two, me for… likesixyearsorwhatever, anyway), while our other friend is not. She has been in a steady relationship for a couple years now (in fact, we had just gotten back from having dinner with all of us and her boyfriend). We were talking about dating apps. Cause I have become a permanent resident who pays rent on those apps. I was telling both of these women why I’ve been in a place of single-dom for so long. You see, I had previously not understood why. But I made a connection to it.

I am the type of person you’ll see at a party, function, whatever. I’ll make a good first impression, I’ll listen, tell you stories. And you’ll walk away with this idea that I am a good dude, and hey I might want to talk with him again. But that’s not me. Just like Patrick Bateman (STAY WITH ME HERE!!!!) there’s an idea of me, an abstraction. I keep my true self reserved for my house, with family, or with a close few confidants. But very few people have been included in the latter portion of that list. For honestly, no reason. Growing up, I moved a lot. Often enough to where I never felt comfortable truly calling a place my hometown. For that reason, I never made friendships that lasted (this is before social media and the like). So I insulated, I became content with myself and only myself. And for that reason, I have been unable to give myself up to anyone, let alone a partner.

But you see, these friends of mine are some of the few that I have been willing to give myself up to. And yeah, they are fucking great and all, but I never envisioned myself being friends with them when I first met them. Which is weird to me thinking about it now. Because that is the exact reason I have not dated anyone. I used to think it was because I was unattractive, or that it was cause Arizona is not built for me. But no, it truly is because I am unwilling to give things a chance with a variety of women who have deserved it.

My friend in her relationship told me that she didn’t think her boyfriend was the one for the first few dates. But then, like the final piece of the puzzle, it clicked and the picture was visible. She implored me to go on dates with people. Try new things, be a new person. Will I do it right away? No, not at all. But I am willing to take that advice with me to the future. And I think it will work out.

This whole thing parrots this idea that I always remember when I was simply a lowly cashier talking to a couple during a transaction. The man in the couple simply stated: “you can’t force it, it will come when you least expect it.” And I don’t think you can write or say anything more succinct than that.