I… I fell asleep and missed the deadline. Am only very disappointed in myself. So, today I have decided to confine myself to being productive. To make up for my lack of it. There will be two (maybe three) posts today and I will try and build a stockpile of entries/posts so I can avoid this in the future. Here’s what’s on the docket today… Reminiscing…

I used to have this idea that I would wake up on a day in my past. Living my day exactly as it was, but with the knowledge that I currently possess. The lived experience of my life, but with a body that was younger. A fool’s dream. But to someone with as many thoughts as I have, it was a source of constant escapism. I would sit in it, allow it to stew, ultimately losing sight of my current self. It’s never a good thing to think outside the current moment. So, I worked on it. I tried to experience more, to run away from feeling good about the past. And yeah, it worked to a certain extent. But there remained this overall cloud on my person. When I went to therapy, I had to unpack a lot of shit. I stopped entertaining these thoughts.

However, the curse of being a writer (or someone who’d like to be considered one) is that living in your head is part of the job. It’s where you make your money. I am thinking a lot, trying to ultimately have a healthy relationship with my, admittedly, idealized version of my past self. If I could give myself in the past my current confidence, of course things would change. That’s a given. But honestly I don’t want to go back there. I think he’s such a substantially different person from who I am now it’d be like looking at a stranger. I am almost divorced from the physical body. But it’s the same one that houses my current spirit. So I’ll always have respect for him. Even if he doesn’t really matter to me any more. He’s still a part of me. So, yeah, reminiscing… It’s a bitch.