I am soon to turn 25. I want to save my “25 lessons for 25 years” post for the actual day. No today, I want to make some reflections. I watched a movie today called Problemista written, directed, and starring Julio Torres. One of the things that kind of stuck in my craw was making mistakes. I’ve been having a lot of conversations with my therapist lately revolving around the idea of perfection. I know I’m human, I know I can make mistakes, yet when they happen, I feel devastated and can’t recover quick enough it seems.

I’ve made a few mistakes recently. Some that I know were due to me being a bit off from center socially. I’ve been depressed for a good long while. Lovesick, most likely. But that depressed energy lingers. It lingers when I talk to people. It makes me act out of sorts. And I feel weird about being myself. I have such massive insecurity in my own self, that it has bled into the fabric of myself. It flashes me back to my past. I was in high school, I was in college, I am in my career, yet it comes back. That feeling. That feeling that I am not good enough. For some reason, I can’t kick it. It’s cyclical.

I’ve felt like the friends I have don’t like me anymore. It’s part of why I hate making friends. I always feel like I push them away, just to see what would happen. And when I need them most, they’re gone… because I did it. I am trying to get better at being less like that… but I just can’t.

Problemista deals somewhat about the idea of making mistakes. Mistakes are not worthy of losing a job over, losing citizenship for, nor are they worthy of losing friendships for. And that’s where I’m at. I made a mistake and now I am being punished for it. I’ve haven’t felt this hopeless in a long while. But it’s happened before. I want to prevent it from happening, but it feels like I am lock stepped. Like destiny is pushing me toward this fate. Toward being lonely. But I know that’s not true. I am pushing every single day to battle my “fate”. I know I will do it, I am just stuck here in this middle ground. Between being what I want to be, and away from what I used to be. It doesn’t prevent this feeling though. This feeling that I messed up and can never recover. I will recover… I just have to.