ALTERNATE TITLE: if weather permits…

The clouds were out in full force. I looked up at the popcorn ceilings in the dingy apartment. My neck curved along the couch cushion. I let air out of my nose and looked over toward the window. Through the vertical blinds, a small ray of sun peaked through. I sprung up off of the couch to the window and opened the blinds. A small patch of blue cracked through the spectrum of greys in the sky. The wet grass bounced the sun’s rays up back into my pupil. I ran into the bedroom where my mother had been all day. She looked over at me with the same warm smile she always gave me.

“Momma, the rain is clearing up. Can I go outside?” I asked.

She looked at me. The initial glow of her eyes fizzled out. She bit the bottom inside of her lip. Searching for the words in her mind.

“When it clears up, okay?” She managed to sputter out of her mouth.

“But it is clear, ma.” I pleaded.

There were bottles on her bedside table. Orange ones. Too many to count. Her head was glued to the headboard of her bed behind her. She wanted to move, but never could. Her body was sunken into the soft bed. She looked back at me after my protest. Her eyes darted between looking at me and away toward her closet. Tears welled at the base of her eyelid. She hadn’t even moved in the hours since I last asked her. She took a deep breath.

“Give me a minute or two. Okay, sweetheart?”

I darted out of the room. I ran toward the door, in hot anticipation. It felt like it always rained, so I never went outside on the weekends. Momma always told me that we would leave “if weather permits”, but it never felt like it would. Today seemed different.

“Put on your raincoat, dear!” She yelled as I heard her feet touched the floor and shuffled toward her bathroom. She finally moved today.

I went to my room, which was just across from momma’s. I went into my drawers to look for the coat. I thought of the last time I wore my raincoat, it must have been a day or two ago. So it wasn’t here. Where was it? I went back toward the door, it should be hung up somewhere. But it wasn’t at the door either.

“Momma, where did I put my raincoat?” I asked to see if she could help me.

No response. I kept looking. The couch? I looked along the couch. Nothing there. I wanted to see if I could find it somewhere else.

“Momma?” I called out into the void. I could never be too sure if she would ever respond to me. But I needed her help, if I were to ever find it.

Momma sometimes would get up to do something, but then forget the whole reason she got up in the first place. Sometimes she would say something and then look at me. She would stare laser beams at me and lose her train of thought. She hugged and gave me a kiss after those times. She always said she’d love me no matter what. But most days, she sat in her bed, letting hours waste away. She cried some nights, all night long. I would barely get sleep. But I would wake up the next day and bring her a cup of water. She smiled at me every time when I did. When I went to school, sometimes I would worry about her. Most days, I went to the bus stop by myself. Rain, snow, or shine I would be walking along the narrow paths of sidewalk. I always took note of how many cracks formed between winter and summer. There were always new ones after the snow melted, and they never got fixed. I always walked around them, they told me I’d break momma’s back if I stepped on any of them. Some moms have offered to help momma. They told me they grew up with her and she used to be fun and have energy. It sounded like she used to be different before I was born. But she always loved people. At least, that’s what they all told me.

I walked over to the kitchen. The dishes piled up in the sink. Last night’s leftovers were still in the oven. I looked over at my chair where I ate most of my meals. I had toast this morning. The chair was bare, no sign of my raincoat. I even looked at the off-white floors to see if my raincoat was there. I looked almost everywhere. There was one last place to check, momma’s room. I tried to remember if when I came home last, I went into her room. I walked back towards the room.

“Momma?” I called to warn her I was coming in. I walked in and didn’t see her on her bed. She instead was dressed for the rain next to her closet. She turned back toward me. The same warm smile on her face. She had my coat draped over her arm. From my angle, it looked like wings formed behind her.

“Here you go, babydoll.” She handed me my coat.

“Are you ready?” She asked.

I nodded and smiled. When we stepped outside the clouds were still present, but the sun shined through. The beams warmed my face. I was holding momma’s hands. I looked toward the blue part of the sky. It was bigger now, like a crater in the earth. I looked back a momma’s who smirked at me. We walked down toward the grass.

“Go ahead. I’ll watch you.” She petered out.

“I won’t go far. Love you momma.” I told back to her and hugged her before I walked away.

“I love you too.”