I had an interesting conversation with my therapist today. I am trying to start talking through making changes in my life (and being very forgiving of myself through it). I am lingering on this thought in the back of my mind about what I want out of the relationships I am cultivating in my life (platonic or otherwise). I think I have grown a bit tired of the people who enter a relationship with a romantic partner and end up abandoning other non-romantic relationships. I sometimes am foolish to think that the friendships would remain in times where we are tending to others. But I think it’s not like that. Especially in a world where intimacy is hard to come by.

I guess my big conniption with my life as it is currently laid out is I’ve never had someone in my life that I had a genuinely intimate relationship. And I don’t speak of intimacy as intensity. I speak of intimacy as a level of comfort where I can plainly be myself… which since I have re-joined therapy, I have gotten closer to defining. I am getting closer to that elusive ideal of the Jayden I have built out in this life. But it’s harder and harder to find people to share that Jayden with. The kind of people I currently have in my life won’t ever get to know me. And I know a lot of that rests at my own feet. But I can lament missing that aspect of my own life, can’t I?

Sometimes, I wish that I did college the “right” way. I am not talking about the frat life or one where I would be stuck in a library for hours on end. No, I never lived with someone that was not my parents/brother. I missed that part of life. Now at 25,,, it’s getting harder and harder to know if I can train myself to get to that level of comfort. It’s becoming increasingly harder to live with that fact lingering in the back of my head. But I move forward, I live.

I am going to keep searching for that. When I look back at these times, I just hope and pray that I can forget that this was even an issue… perhaps I am getting more and more ready to move to a walkable city than I had previously thought. First, let’s just get through this trip to Korea/Japan…