I might have lost a few friends today. Maybe. I don’t know how to track it, but things have changed in the dynamic. And of course… it’s all over something that we can’t really talk about. This is the nature of the life we live I guess. But I’m allowed to lament the loss, right?

I have had a tough times with friends. Always. I’ve always felt like a temporary visitor in the lives of the living. Something about my face, perhaps. If I could put a finger on when, it happened when I spoke about our friendship in the future… and they said “we shall see.” Forever doesn’t exist. I know this. But “we shall see” is the nice way of saying, “I never hope to see you again”… The kiss of death on a relationship, when the future doesn’t seem to be in view. Because we’ve mentally/spiritually let them go in our mindspace. It’s disheartening to hear and see.

Of course, I put my chips into these friends. I wanted to. I figured it’d be time to. Maybe make myself a more permanent part of someone’s life. I caught a bit of feelings, and for whatever fucking reason, that makes people skittish. I knew it. I should have marked things as having ended right there. Because what else can we mine out of that relationship? Nothing, beyond angst and resentment I suppose.

I even apologized for being me and getting sad,,, and what did it lead to? Nothing but more and more empty feelings. I really only did this out of a sense of my other friends asking me to build a bridge. I built the bridge… and no one wanted to cross… I got tired of waiting for someone to cross. So here we go, losing more people in this life. There’s gotta be something wrong with me…