“If I can speak frankly, I feel very isolated. There’s a distance when we talk. I really don’t feel like I know you.”

“I mean… I don’t really know myself so…”

“See that’s exactly what I’m talking about. If I try to express something, you kind of throw it back at me. What do you mean you don’t know yourself.”

“I’m in the midst of a fucking identity crisis, my dude. I find myself locked between multiple versions of me and I can’t keep up. Like okay, do you know when you’re watching a sitcom and the main character has two dates at a dance and they keep mistaking their costumes and eventually they get caught because the dates figure out you’re playing them? That’s how I feel right now. Like I’m trying to parse which side of you I need to show, because I show different sides of myself.”

“I guess, I understand what you mean. But that just means you’re never being honest. How can I trust you? You say you’re lying constantly…”

“I didn’t say I was lying.”

“You just admitted to me you’re two-faced.”

“That’s not what I mean, I just mean there’s different aspects to my personality you aren’t aware of.”

“And how is that not lying?”

“Because I’m being truthful to that side of my personality. Just because I don’t show you a different side, doesn’t mean I’m lying about it.”

“Lying by omission. That’d get you in court.”

“But I’m not in court, am I?”

“No, I suppose. You’re in real life. And in real life, you just lost a friend. Goodbye.”

There’s kind of something that I’ve noticed in certain sections of the internet. “Friend group A and friend group B”, “can’t let gang know I fw this”, “I’m only real with my girls”. Something, I used to reply internally to and go “wow, okay #relatable”, like, and then move on. But now, I have an issue with it. Mostly on me, because I’ve internalized it. I have aspects to myself that I still haven’t shown to other “friend groups” because, in my relentless pursuit to be likable to everyone, I know that’s not what I’m known for. I don’t crashout in front of people. I also hate telling people the truth of who I really am. Because who I really am, scares me. I’m lazy, I’m angry a lot of the time, and I really don’t harbor a lot of love in my heart. I’ve grown tired of it. And I work every day to combat this in me. But it’s translated to me not understanding how to behave around people. I’m constantly aware that my proximity to people has been limited. I don’t get close to anyone. I keep everything so close to the chest. Because, ultimately, I’m scared of myself. But it needs to change. I’ve seen the spoils of the chronically online, introverts like me. It hurts me to see so many incel-types fall down pipelines, because the true allure isn’t being Andrew Tate, being Elon Musk, or being Trump. It’s that people like you, people want to be around you, people care about you. It’s community we yearn for.

I have a group of friends now. And while I consider them to be close… I really don’t think they feel the same back. They like me (because I am likable!) and they think of me at times. But when things get tough, we fall into our habits and isolate. We turn insular. And to attempt to pry, to try to come in isn’t what we want. I used to burn out online sometimes and call attention to myself for attention, but rejected the attention when it came from sources that I didn’t want to associate with. I regret that. I regret that I targeted myself to people who would never love me the same way I needed. Instead of spending that time yearning, and itching, I should have opened my heart to sources that existed outside of what I thought I wanted. Mostly… I find myself attracted to cults of personality. People who have lots of friends already. And instead of harboring good relationships who seek something similar, and don’t have it. I invest myself in people who are already beholden to something else. I think we all chase things. There’s a perpetual state of chasing.

I’m burning out right now because I see the worst tendencies of myself exhibited in my friends. They isolate to self-soothe, like I do. They stop initiating, like I do. They became shells of themselves, like I do. And while I grow tired of it. I think coming from a place of empathy is the only way I can continue building this community. Rather unfortunately… I am leaving soon. And it hurts me to finally feel rooted in something, and strip it away from myself. I hope to remain in my friend’s life. But if I’m being honest with myself, I probably wasn’t truly that close to them if it fades.

We all walk away with regrets in this life, but not opening my heart sooner is one of my life’s largest. I kept to myself for so long that I linger with people, I draw too much attention to myself, and it’s become unbearable. I will keep learning.