So I just finished my trip to Chicago for Lollapalooza (at the airport as I write this!). I thought I’d be moved out here by now, but no. I am flying back to Arizona with no prospects at the moment. It’s a bittersweet feeling. Something melancholic. I do still wish to move out here. But the timeline keeps extending. A lot of it is out of my hands, but I do think I could be doing more. That feeling lingers, and it makes me mad at myself. But in truth, I think it actually scares me.

This trip really illuminated parts of me that I think I’ve been missing on. I saw a video today from this guy Garrett from Goldies on Instagram about uncertainty and it has me thinking (link to video). I don’t think I can ever truly be sure of a thing. There will always be parts of me that are uncertain, and to me uncertainty is anxiety. It’s worrying about the next possible outcome, even if it’s something as simple as picking between a beer and a water. What kind of life is this? I have trouble figuring out where that comes from. I want to tackle it head on, but I am not sure if I can ever truly undo it. My worrying leads a lot to regret. Which has become the theme of my current life. I am no where near the man I thought I’d have become when I was small. In fact… I still don’t feel like a man. But I’m not quite a boy. My back and guts remind me of that frequently.  

One of the moments that made me feel weird is this group chat I was in for Lolla. I joined a group chat with people claiming to go solo (only like 4 of us were truly solo), and I only met up with a few folks. Granted, it was a couple more than I think I should’ve expected. But man… it is weird to go on Saturday and Sunday and have literally no one to talk to about my experience. Maybe that’s why I wanted to open about it here. I pay for this blog after all.

Okay so the hook for this post, top 5 things I saw at Lolla and 5 things I think weren’t cool. 

THE GOOD:

1. Both Rebecca Black sets. She did a set at Perry’s (the DJ stage) and her set at Tito’s (her pop set). She was electric, really understood crowd control, and it’s kind of wild that the girl who made the “worst song ever” is a full-on (gay) star. She was electric in both presence but in choreo. Plus a crowd full of gays just vibing is always good to experience… think about that for once homophobes…

2. Mk.Gee. One of my most anticipated sets and he didn’t disappoint… okay well maybe a little cause I thought he’d bring Dijon out, but that was on me not him. I was around these white-ass, hiking-ass, granola-ass mother fuckers and they loved it. It really added so much to the experience to me. We ended up linking arms and swaying to one of the songs, and it was highkey sublime. Mk.Gee himself was great, the fucking pedals making his guitar sound like a laser, it was just a great experience.

3. T-Pain. Energy energy energy. He really did it all. Choreo, sanging, dancing, karaoke, set design, jokes. He brought it, plus I spent the time with a wonderful couple who were really into it. He played much more than I expected (shout out Journey). I expected him to be great, and he was it.

4. Doechii. In terms of pure performance, she was the best set of the weekend to me. There’s something about people who bring respect to hip-hop that makes me happy. She did all sorts of great mashups, had amazing choreo, and rapped her fucking ass off. You don’t get many people who can do that. She showed me the future of hip-hop, and we should all be excited.

5. Joey Valence and Brae. I knew it’d be wild, sweaty, energetic. But I got fucking buck, dawg. Had me injuring my neck and shit because I was banging my head like a punk. It was amazing. I was middle barricade for this, and it was a fantastic experience, got to be close to Joey (man boy stank lol, but I’ll give it to him he gave us everything).

THE NOT COOL:

1. Leaving the barricade for Magdalena Bay. I was parked at Mag Bay for most of the day, but decided to leave to meet with people from my group chat and I really regret that choice. One, Mica came out to the crowd and I was there. Two, I met a few really great dudes and never got to see em again. Three, I ended up next to this like 12 year old kid and he killed my vibe a bit. Mag Bay was great though, they’re like an honorable mention for 5 good things.

2. The line for every fucking activation/pop-up store. I probably should’ve got in much earlier each day, so that’s on me. But does every brand activation need a line around the block? For basically nothing? Come the fuck on…

3. The Marias guy. The Marias were great. Maria is a killer (plus I saw them abs, what are you training for, girl?) and the rest of the band is elite. But next to me was this group of like 9 late teen/early-20s frat/sorority types. A few of em were coupled up, and they were sitting down in pretty prime real estate (next to people standing). That’s one thing, but then I look over and half of em are on their phones playing fucking games or reading social media. Are you insane? You paid all this money to come watch music, and you just play games on your phone? Are people truly that cooked? There was only one guy standing and watching was by himself and he was trying to get into it, but his friends were for sure killing his vibe. Because multiple times he started talking to his friends to tell them to at least watch the concert in front of them. Yet, they all just sat there. Plus all the guys (except my man paying attention) were shirtless and it’s so stereotypical. Frat guys shirtless at the festival. Put your titties away, harlots. Marias guy ended up leaving halfway through the set to look for someone. I feel bad. You need better friends, dude. Now I understand Steve Lacy lmao.

4. Regrets. The following are small regrets building to my biggest regrets. It’s going to be kind of a brain dump, so no list just a sentence. Not talking to Jane Remover when she was at the Peggy set. Just barely missing Do or Die by Flux Pavillion (the song with Childish Gambino). Going to Chance the Rapper who barely did anything. Missing Jane Remover’s set entirely. Missing Mariah the Scientist (she brought Young Thug). Leaving my spot at Katseye and missing Gabriella. Missing Zinadelphia’s set for her Bud Light Backyard set that we couldn’t hear her for half of the 30 minutes she had. Not taking time to truly connect with new people. Not coming in earlier most days. Missing TWICE because Mk.Gee was scheduled at the same damn time. 

5. Closing with A$AP Rocky. So his ass started almost 20 minutes late, which is it’s own thing. But his set was super disorganized and almost wasn’t worth it. Until he played LVL and Demons. I ended up leaving pretty early before he started playing some bullshit because he was getting cut off (due to sound curfew). Granted, I didn’t really care to see Sabrina Carpenter, Martin Garrix, or Latin Mafia. But I’m sure I would’ve had more fun anywhere else, honestly. 

Anyway, I still do love Chicago (though I have some things lingering in the back of my head). I’ll be back soon!! (And next time, I won’t eat anything with peanuts lol)…