Pretense & Circumstance

  • 2012 (feat. day wave) – saba

    Where do we begin. I am 24. No longer beating the mid-20’s allegations. I’ll be 100% honest in that it does not bother me. I am very painfully aware that your life can slip away from you, especially since I am in a job that all but encourages it. Living for the weekend, am I right????????????????????????? So, I want to kind of get my head around this. Thus, I present 24 thoughts on my mind for my 24th birthday:

    1. I sometimes wonder what the meaning of midlife crisis is, and then it’ll be a Wednesday in my 11 AM meeting when it hits me.
    2. I consistently think of this Spongebob quote from Squidward: “Here’s how things work: I order the food, you cook the food, and the customer gets the food. We do this for 40 years, and then we die.”
    3. I haven’t gotten a formal diagnosis, but I for sure have IBS.
    4. What does being “deep” mean? I feel like that covers the breadth from what our purpose in life is to if Fortnite is a good game or not. I just hate the word now lmao.
    5. Networking is stupid. Stop trying to “business-ify” everything. You’re making friends/acquaintances like a human being would. Not building a “web of connections”.
    6. LinkedIn influencers: I have a thinly-veiled dislike toward you… but I respect the hustle.
    7. If I were not doing what I am doing now, I wouldn’t be doing anything. And that saddens me a bit.
    8. I am very thankful my parents seemed to have escaped generational trauma. Or at the very least stopped perpetuating the cycle.
    9. I stopped watching movies like I used to. And I am unsure how I feel about that.
    10. I’ve wanted to speak another language for years. But I just cannot get myself to pay for the programs to do it.
    11. I am for sure going to date someone who will “soft-launch” me to their friends/social media. And that makes me a bit mad.
    12. I stopped thinking about dating. Like seriously, it feels very useless.
    13. I want to get better at art.
    14. I would like to learn how to properly sing.
    15. Karaoke is the only time I feel transcendent (well that and when I get blackout drunk).
    16. I buy things knowing very well that they are a waste of money. Who gives a shit.
    17. I grow up and I realize… high school has no bearing on your future self. And it almost pisses me off that so much emphasis was placed on it.
    18. I live in a lot of privilege and with shelter, and I have not a single regret on that. Sorry.
    19. I am teetering on whether it is ethical to raise kids knowing where our future may end up.
    20. I’ve stopped caring if someone thinks I am a good person or not, or if someone likes me or not. Cause I like me, and that’s all that matters.
    21. The very fact that an AI can write this and totally replace my art form scares me to no end.
    22. Men need to stop caring about how they present. Cause at the end of the day… who cares.
    23. While I care about my weight and health, I couldn’t really give less of a shit about someone else’s. Live your life, don’t let me stop you.
    24. This list sucks ass.

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  • caravan – from the original soundtrack for whiplash

    There is an idea in this life that we live in a meritocracy. That the world we live and operate in is based entirely on talent and skill. It’s not true. For a myriad reasons. We can talk about capitalism. How it rewards those who are already one leg up in this world. We can talk about nepotism (related to capitalism). How it ignores those who are truly talented. But I think the biggest reason we don’t live in a meritocracy is a reason less touted as a “failure.”

    People need to like you and want to see you succeed. This is so painfully obvious, but not ever preached. What do I mean by this? Okay, so the people who are always preaching that this world is not a meritocracy and that life is so unfair… are always the worst fucking people. You ever hear from someone, “life isn’t fair, suck it up” and just wanted to sock them in the fucking face? Yeah, it’s something that I have such an issue with. Sorry.

    Okay, never mind this point got away from me. I’m just trying to write sorry.

  • plastic love – mariya takeuchi

    Once upon a time there was a kid. The kid wasn’t very pretty. The kid wasn’t very skinny. The kid wasn’t very gifted. But the kid tried. The kid tried and tried. The kid stumbled out of the gates. Sustaining all sorts of ailments. The kid persevered though. Despite the way the world was. The kid was still here. Kicking and screaming till the end. Whenever that was.

    Once upon a time there was tween. The tween was hot shit. Skinnier, cooler, but most of all the tween was liked. Liked by mostly everyone. The tween played basketball. The tween thought that was the future. But everyone knows that tweenhood only lasts a brief amount of time. And when tweenhood ended, the tween looked inside.

    Once upon a time there was a teen. The teen thought the world of themself. The teen ballooned to a weight unmanageable. The teen’s shirts moved from small to medium to large. This made the teen sad. Sadder than most. The teen had a couple friends. But these friends never knew what the teen was hiding inside. The teen made jokes about mortality. About ending the life. The teen was never happy. There were glimpses of hope. That maybe, just maybe, life would get better.

    Once upon a time there was a young man. The young man knew what being a teen was like. He didn’t want to repeat those mistakes. He decided to get to work. To feed the beast. And he succeeded. Gained friends. Gained happiness. But he kept thinking, “how long does this last?”

    There is a man. Growing up still. Trying to experience the next thing after the next thing. No longer taking stock of what is in the present. His mind is stuck in the future. Driving on a path that he hopes will be paved. The bumps have come and gone. And while he knows new bumps are along the road, for whatever reason, he’s scared. He’s scared because the bumps along the road only get bigger and bigger. And he doesn’t want to live like this any more. He quit it all. To try and focus on the present. But he can’t. He can’t. He can’t. He can’t. I can’t.

    Good luck Charlie.

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  • maps – anderson .paak

    SEPT 2, 2022 – SELF-IMPOSED WRITING CHALLENGE DAY 2

    I am writing this mid-flight. The guy next to me ordered a Jack and Coke. Goat. Anyhow, I was originally going to not write but I can’t fall asleep and there’s free Wi-Fi (thanks JetBlue) so here goes.

    I’m on my way to New York City. Going to visit my aunt/older sister and I’m very happy. But it has me thinking about the potential for this story I want to craft. For one, I want some pieces of my family to be involved in this story. Obviously, outside of the racial similarities, I want a piece of me to live in this play. Those tend to be the best plays in my opinion. So for this trip I’m going to see what I could potentially use.

    Another thing I want to potentially add to this piece is a true main character. I have to avoid falling into a trap of ensembles. It feels antiquated.

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  • the chase (feat. kadhja bonet) – anderson .paak

    SEPT 1, 2022 – SELF-IMPOSED WRITING CHALLENGE DAY 1

    Today marks the official beginning of my self-imposed 30 day writing challenge. I will be attempting to write every day for this month of September. All posts for this month will feature a title of a song by Anderson .Paak.

    What will I be writing about? I’ve rooted around an idea for a play this month. Much in the vein of August Osage County. I started my journey by passively consuming episodes of the Netflix reality show, Bling Empire. And what a piece of work. You see, I am thinking of crafting a play centered around an Asian family. I have yet to even decide which direction I want to go in. I want there to be a satirical angle to it. But I don’t want to lose that drama aspect either. I want elements of surrealism and I’m thinking of setting it in a more modern, but specific setting. I wonder what that will entail. For me, I have been intrigued at the current state of Asian American theatre. It seems that a lot of writers are more interested in participating in conversations about the diaspora rather than the day-to-day Asian American. I am incredibly white-washed and I think my writing needs to reflect that side of me. The one who yearns for that connection.

    Back to Bling Empire. It should go without saying that the show sucks. I hate reality TV. The characters are all vapid and consumerists douches. Kelly is with an abusive dickhead. And Kevin can’t keep it in his pants long enough around Kelly that it’s creepy. There’s not a one person on that show that doesn’t suck. My eat the rich hunger turns on during the show. But that’s me being critical. I think there’s enough humanity to understand who these people are. They are pieces of work. Obviously dramatic. But there is character to them. I need to tap into that aspect of them. That’s what I believe will allow my play to shine. Find the humanity in the people an audience finds shitty.

    I don’t have a title yet, and I am under no pretenses that I will end up finishing this play in a month. But I need to do something… Please!!!

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  • nuestra canción – monsieur periné

    If you ever want a living testament to how fucking cool the art of music is. Watch a NPR Tiny Desk Concert. A great 20-30 minute way to start the day. So here’s what I have to say about art! I love it art is good!! Very good even!!! I simply have a lot of love seeing people in their element I guess! Call me a crazy man…

    I think what I love the most about the Tiny Desk Concert is the absolute joy and ease these artists can make their art look like. I have sat in sessions with writers making music and it can be incredibly draining and frustrating for those involved. To create something (in this instance a song) is a labor of love. It takes everything in you to unload yourself onto the world. But at the end you get to say you created something. Something that didn’t previously exist. Something that you made.

    Starting at the end of this month, into September, my blog will only be concerned with me creating something. I still have yet to decide what it will be I will create (I think I will do a play). But that entire month (outside of my job lmao) will be dedicated to working on something. I need to finally do it.

  • laura palmer’s theme – angelo badalamenti

    SPOILERS FOR TWIN PEAKS AND FIRE WALK WITH ME

    So, I have gotten through the first two seasons of one of the most acclaimed shows of all time. A feat of network television in so many ways. Watching the show, you often wonder how Lynch was able to get certain shit on the air. The second season drags a bit, becoming a bit too mired in traditional network TV tropes (anything to do with James, Donna, and Nadine come to mine). But that may have been due in large part to Lynch departing the show to produce Wild at Heart. The show did suffer. But in the final episode of the whole goddamn show, Lynch comes back and leaves it on a fucking cliffhanger with one of the most cryptic episodes in the history of television (up to that point). Then he gets a studio to potentially produce three films set in the universe, starting off with the prequel film: Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. It was not successful, both critically and commercially. Thus, putting a stake in the franchise as a whole.

    Time has been friendly to the show and the film. It maintained a cult following over the years as people begged for a continuation. I am writing this as someone who will start the sequel series some point soon. But for now, I am going in knowing that there is a sequel. This may fuck with my interpretation, but who cares.

    I just finished Fire Walk With Me. It was one of my favorite films I have seen in this little life of mine. One of the pieces I love is the overall character of Laura Palmer. Her character is intensely tragic. Sheryl Lee is one of those special actors who is absolutely unafraid. She was so intense in the film that you cannot help but love her. Despite her reckless lifestyle, when she is relieved at the end of the film, laughing that she has been saved, you can’t help but love her.

    (Okay so I’ll finish this later, but 10/10 for Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me)

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  • one week – bnl (barenaked ladies)

    It’s been…

    Okay so, I didn’t mean for it to get this far. But I kinda just got very busy and unmotivated. So, what are we going to do about this? Well, I am trying to stockpile posts and such in the drafts. But the biggest thing to me is to finally admit to myself that an every day blog is mighty unsustainable. So I am going to not do that. But I am keeping that pressure on myself to write. Writing is something that centers me and allows me to freely express myself. It is my artform. But I keep having this stupid fucking malformed idea that I need to make something of it. That I need to create value from it. There is no inherent value. I have only dropped the link for this blog once in the past month. And that was on a private twitter account with only 18 followers.

    I am needing to understand how to be a better, more rounded individual. I need to figure it out. But I keep learning lessons that aren’t sticking for whatever reason. But I still am somewhat happy. That’s where I’m finding this… I guess inflection point. I am still lucid, having a blast, but there is a tinge of depression. I think I need to catch it now before it gets truly awful.

    Anyway peepee poopoo!!!!!111!!!!11!!!

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  • uncle bun (feat. 38 spesh) – benny the butcher

    No thoughts… only sleep… Going to watch Fire Walk with Me soon!

  • twin peaks theme – angelo badalamenti

    I have been aggressively trying to finish Twin Peaks lately. I finished season one a while ago (I want to say last year some time). Due to time slipping by and the inevitability of our demise, I have never able to get around to finishing it. But since picking up season two again, I have been lowkey hooked. It’s been so fascinating to watch. I love the style of it. It feels like a total pastiche of television dramas of the seventies and eighties (like Dallas). But there are so many surreal and downright disturbed elements. This is more of a cursory review, so no spoilers. I think one of the elements that has so attracted me to the show is its quirks. It is so so quirky and individualized. I have never seen a show with such strong characters that are so wholesome, yet ready to take on the evil that exist within the reality of the show. I’m trying to take lessons from it as a creative. There is so much life in this world and those who inhabit it. I just really enjoy its quirks. Even if some of the story lines are a little stupid (IMO).