Pretense & Circumstance

  • in a good way – faye webster

    THIS IS A CONTINUATION OF A SHORT STORY POST CALLED “room temperature – faye webster”

    “Ready to go?” She stood across the table with the her mismatched socks and the tote bag with the red logo from that show she always talks about. I never end up watching it. I never remember why.

    “Let me get my jacket.” I responded. I tried to be playful but it came out a bit too sharp. Her face immediately went sour. As if she regretted even asking. I knew it in my heart of hearts that I’d wronged her. I had to apologize.

    “I didn’t mean it like that.” I pleaded. She nodded, but I can see it in her eyes I had hurt her. I knew that I’d make it up to her. I had to. But I think any advance toward her would be seen as hostile. So I left it. I stood up and went across the room to grab my jacket. I put my hand on the jean jacket, taking it off in on swift pull. Taking down the whole coat rack with it.

    “Okay that’s it. Baby, what the fuck is wrong with you today?” She never called me that unless it was serious. While I was on the floor, I took a peak up at her. She was now next to me. Her mismatched socks staring right at me.

    “I-I don’t know. I’m not sure.” I managed to utter out. She put her hand on my shoulder. She kissed my forehead. It was like a key to a world of joy. I love her so deeply. And with that kiss, I knew it was reciprocated. Something about it was healing, soothing even. Then the tears flowed out. A cry like this only comes once in a blue moon. And it completely empties the parts of you that you never knew existed.

    She held me tight. Her left shoulder was soaked. Every so often her lips would touch my hair. There was a moment of solace. Despite the tears. My mind finally cleared up. I found myself unable to lie to her or myself anymore.

    (I … UH DON’T KNOW WHERE TO GO WITH THIS SO THIS IS IT FOR NOW!!!)

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  • the weekend – sza

    Feeling particularly like I’m trapped in an Office Space style life where I am constantly looking forward to the weekend. It’s been a vibe!!!!!!!!!! No but honestly, I feel like I’m just living to work right now. And it’s mostly because I don’t feel like I’m making an impact as of right now. This will change soon… I hope… Anyway…

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  • optimistic – radiohead

    I’m in my “working hard or hardly working” era. Feeling very Office Space lately. I am trying to work at my big boy job, but I cannot muster up the energy for whatever reason. Having a tough time staying awake, and having a tough time getting anything done. It is very bad! Anyway…

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  • not tight – domi and jd beck

    Yeah… I missed a day and almost missed again. No reason, just be fucking up. ya know? I don’t feel like writing again, so I’m going to post a little excerpt from the vault. Here’s the first couple paragraphs of yet another high school novel, In God’s Country. A story about a closeted gay teen who falls in love with a boy in a small, southern, conservative town.

    There’s a creek by my grandma and grandpa’s house that I would go to when I spent summers at their house. It was a small creek, with a thin stream flowing through it. I remember how I would hear the buzzing of the mosquitoes, the chirping of the birds, and the running of the random critters. The stream itself was fairly quiet. So when I was there, I would sit and just think. I sat on this log about a yard from the stream. There was this sweet release from the outside world whenever I got there. It was like I was transported to another world. This place that was free from the trappings of reality. They called it God’s Country, and the name fit. God’s Country is the collective name for the state of North Carolina, according to some people. I have to admit that this whole state is a testament to the beauty God has made, but also a testament to the absolute ugliness God has made as well. You see back when I would visit my grandparent’s house, I became aware of the juxtaposition that God has plagued upon the Earth. Earth and its inhabitants are opposed, standing on two separate sides of a divide since the dawn of time. In the time since, the divide has not dissipated.
    God’s Country to me was a place for me to relax, to get away from the existence of a world where life had become complicated. The time in which this story takes place, I was only twelve years old. Not quite a teenager, yet not quite a child. I was teetering on the edge of a well-known phenomenon known as puberty. The thing which would have rendered me a man according to my dad. But that time as a man still hasn’t come. I’m still coming to terms with that experience I had with my grandparents that summer. It wasn’t their fault, quite the contrary actually. But the area in which they lived filled me with this feeling I still feel to this day. What will be written here will be a bit blasphemous, a bit crazy, and perhaps a bit disturbing. But I lived through it, and I wanted to speak on it.

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  • good days – sza

    I really don’t feel like writing. I’m going to experiment here. Here’s a slice from a novel I wanted to write as a teen, but dropped years ago. I may revisit this… But it’s a story about a young, lesbian romance, descriptors that I don’t fit… but we’ll see… The novel was to be titled South of Perfect:

    Sunday came and my mom asked me if she wanted me to come to the mall with her. Having nothing better to do than eat cookies and watching some movie, I accepted. The mall is an interesting place. I don’t ever go really, unless mom decides to. I don’t think I would even choose to do that to myself. The mall is a sprawling tribute to the world of the past in my eyes. When the most people had to do was to spend money endlessly. Now malls sit as a place where people can try on clothes before finding them online cheaper. The music is all contemporary but played at such a low level, almost to seem like suggesting an idea of happiness that is lost by being able to see. Looking around before rolling in to the mall itself, you see how many stores are in a bad state. Who the heck would go to a store devoted to weapons and action figures? And that’s on the more exciting end of the spectrum of mall stores. On the other end, you have a useless frozen fruit bar kiosk that didn’t even have an employee in it (or at least one I could see). Construction noise provides ad-libs to the current hop-hop track that I had heard in at least four different ads for Old Navy. People stand in the food court holding samples that have long gone stale by sitting there for hours. I’m not of age to work yet, but I know my last choice would be this mall. Everyone acts like they’re not having a bad time, but I see it in their eyes. There’s a certain sadness that comes with being trapped in the walls of this mall. It almost feels like you want to leave every single second you’re inside. But you press on, hoping to find something to be interesting. However, there’s never anything interesting at this time of the year. Just entering an Arizona summer where all clothes seem useless. Even functional items like appliances no longer serve a purpose and all those stores have closed anyway. Now we use the mall to pass time, pay a visit to someone you know who works at one, or actually try to find something you need. In my mom and I’s case, we were trying to find me a new bathing suit. I must have zoned out when my mom told me, but apparently the next day I was supposed to go to a party at my mom’s boss’s house. It was news to my ears, but I’ve missed things like that before. So, I just accepted it and kept on moving along. We looked in a couple places, but we couldn’t see anything that I was particularly into. I wanted something modest, because I was more than likely not even going to swim for very long. I think my mom wanted to hook me up or something, because it was a constant barrage of skimpy bikinis that my mom gave me to try on. After about the 6th thin bikini, I asked her why she kept trying to put me in these things that barely qualified as clothes.

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  • margiela split toes (feat. mach-hommy) – westside gunn

    I am going to New York next month. Excited of course. Trying to see what to do and plan it out. I am beginning to wonder if this will be the correct place for me to one day move. I feel like I will thrive there some day. Well, entirely, I want to thrive in a new place. I have mentioned on this blog before that I want to leave Arizona, my current place of residence. And that feeling never truly goes away I think. You see this is my problem with this place. I’ve never once felt like I fit in. Even now, with the friends I have made, the silly little life I live, the people I interact with, I just don’t feel like a proper person here. Now, I’ve tried to fit in. Be with different kinds of people, but it never worked for me. I think it’s just time for me to move along. Maybe I’ll be back some day.

  • going going gone – lucy dacus

    THIS IS PART OF A LARGER PIECE I HAVE SITTING IN MY BACK POCKET CALLED: MY LEAST FAVORITE EX

    At rise: a balcony outside of the party. Strewn about the space are bottles, cans, and loose cigarettes. It is absolutely filthy. Reminiscent of the frat parties in the past. Bryce, 33, walks on to the balcony from a side door. He has his phone in his hand, texting. He stands at the corner of the balcony for a little while, still texting.

    He stops. Thinks for a little. A light bulb turns on in his head.

    He continues texting.

    From the same door, soon after walks in Cassie, 34. She spots Bryce texting and is delighted. She taps him on the shoulder.

    CASSIE: Hey there, stranger.

    BRYCE: (half-mindedly) Hold on let me… (her turns to her) OH SHIT.

    He drops his phone on the ground. She laughs.

    CASSIE: Scared ya, huh?

    BRYCE: A little.

    She goes to grab the phone.

    BRYCE: I got it. Don’t worry.

    She lets him grab it.

    CASSIE: So, how’ve you been?

    BRYCE: Good. Good. You know, just here, I guess. What about you?

    CASSIE: Fine like always.

    BRYCE: That’s good… how’s um…

    CASSIE: Ricky? Oh he’s good. He’s with the baby right now actually.

    BRYCE: That’s good. That’s great.

    The two sit there for a bit. Walking on egg shells. Navigating the awkwardness.

    CASSIE: You still smoke?

    BRYCE: Not for a year, no.

    CASSIE: Oh okay. Is it fine if I…?

    BRYCE: Go ahead. Don’t let me stop you.

    Cassie takes out a pack of cigarettes from her clutch, pulling out one of the many left in the pack. She starts to dig around her clutch. No lighter.

    CASSIE: Shit. Do you have a light on you?

    BRYCE: I do, actually. (Bryce reaches into his back pocket and takes a tiny lighter out and hands it to her). Here.

    CASSIE: Thanks.

    She lights her cigarette and takes one long drag. Bryce stares at her as she does this. Looking her up and down.

    BRYCE: No problem…

    Cassie blows the smoke the opposite way. Bryce gets lost in her.

    CASSIE: What made you quit?

    BRYCE: (out of his trance) Hm? Oh, my fiancée. She hates smoking.

    CASSIE: Fiancée? Really?

    BRYCE: Yeah (clears throat), uh, her name is Marianne. And uh, yeah, she’s great. We, uh, are getting married in about a week.

    CASSIE: Wait, you’re joking, right?

    BRYCE: No…

    CASSIE: Wow, look at you. What is she like?

    BRYCE: She’s, well, she’s great. Um, very smart, beautiful, one of the best women I’ve ever met.

    CASSIE: As she should be. You deserve it. How old is she?

    BRYCE: 29.

    CASSIE: Oh. Okay. I see.

    BRYCE: Yeah, she’s uh, she’s a special girl. I love her.

    CASSIE: Sorry I’m asking so many questions. It’s just… well I didn’t expect you to get married.

    BRYCE: Yeah, it’s weird. I’m not going to lie. Very weird.

    CASSIE: What’s the catch here? Does she need a green card? What’s up?

    BRYCE: What? What are you talking about?

    CASSIE: I just don’t believe you. I mean, how… I thought you’d never get married. That’s what you told me.

    BRYCE: That was 10 years ago, Cass. I just grew up, I changed.

    CASSIE: I’m sorry, again. I don’t what’s wrong with me.

    She contemplates as she takes another drag. Bryce looks away.

    CASSIE: I mean it, I am very sorry. I didn’t mean to be so accusatory.

    BRYCE: No, it’s fine. I just… you’re right to question me.

    CASSIE: No, I’m not. That was just me being bitchy and weird. I didn’t mean to open up anything. I’m sure she’s so great and kind and wonderful.

    BRYCE: Look… can I be real with you?

    CASSIE: I guess. We’re friends, right?

    BRYCE: Can I have a cigarette?

    CASSIE: Yeah.

    Cassie reaches back into her bag for a cigarette and Bryce grabs it from her. He lights it and takes a quick drag.

    BRYCE: Things are weird. Things are very very weird.

    CASSIE: What’s that supposed to mean?

    BRYCE: I have been running into all of my exes this past week. Every single one. In chronological order! I mean, when does that happen?? Is this some cosmic nightmare?

    CASSIE: Really?

    BRYCE: Yeah! I go to the grocery store, see Clarissa, my first girlfriend with her 6 children and husband. Then on the R, I see Amanda, that theatre chick I dated in high school, and she’s still insane. Right after that, I see Annika, my other crazy high school girlfriend, at a job interview. Just to find out that she’s crazy and has been harboring a grudge for literal years to spite me for how I broke up with her! While at dinner two days after that, I see Shreya, the girl I dated before you. And now I see you. On a balcony, smoking. Why are you even here?

    CASSIE: I’m just here for Cedric’s birthday. You don’t have to accuse me of anything.

    BRYCE: I’m not accusing you of anything. I’m just wondering why. Why are you the fifth ex girlfriend I have seen in the last seven days? Is the universe trying to tell me something?

    CASSIE: I don’t know. You know I’m not one for cosmic speculation.

    BRYCE: I know. I know… Sorry for unloading unto you. I just… I needed reprieve.

    CASSIE: It’s okay, Bryce. That sounds crazy.

    BRYCE: It is… It very much is…

    He takes another drag, this time longer and more controlled.

    BRYCE: I forgot how good this felt. Smoking. It’s like I can finally breathe, you know?

    CASSIE: I’m actually trying to quit myself. I’m sorry I dragged you back into it.

    BRYCE: No, don’t apologize. It’s just… it’s very nice to see you again.

    CASSIE: It’s very nice to see you again.

    (not going to lie this one is very long and so I’m going to leave it here for now. But I do want to finish this slice.)

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  • broken girls – saba

    Let’s talk about women today (like I always do). So, I’ve been trying to talk about misogyny on this blog because it has become a huge issue on the inter.net. But I don’t know why, it just worsens everyday for me. Like this week Lizzo was on Hot Ones and to quote the worst place ever: “the comment section didn’t pass the vibe check.” Apparently, there were a ton of dislikes, and I definitely read a bunch of shitty comments so I know those dislikes aren’t faked. It is very very weird what a lot of those shitty comments have to say. The comments on her weight were of course present. But they called her vapid and shallow. Which seems weird? Cause Sean Evans asked her about her formal training in music, and she did have a lot to say about structure in music. I get it, most of those kids didn’t know that Lizzo is actually sick at the flute. But like where along the line do you listen to her or look at her and think shallow, vapid? Where do you come to that conclusion?

    This is all part of a weird idea that a lot of men have about women on the internet, that they need to neg women and bring them down. So many times I see confident women and the comments are just picking on her. As if they were childhood bullies. Childish, dumb, and often times tone deaf. Leading to women to have to either A. defend themselves or B. concede to the haters and lose their confidence in the process. Now, an asshole would retort with “well if they were truly confident, they’d just ignore the hate.” He said as one of those haters. Bad bad bad bad bad awful awful awful this place sucks I hate it here (sorry to the grammarheads).

    Look, I know I’m just screaming into the void. Misogyny is a “joke” and it’s “inevitable”, but grrrr it makes me mad. It triggers me! I am triggered! Sorry!! I am just a plain not a fan of the hate women receive. And I’m tired of it…

    I’m sure there’s more to say. But eventually… I’ll say something I guess…

  • fazers – king geedorah

    It’s time for an uh-oh moment… I am fucking up my shit my guy. I’ve been having a very rough go about it in the dating sphere for a long while. And I simply keep fumbling the bag with pretty women. It’s getting heinous at this point. I just want to feel loved! Is this too much to ask for?

    Probably.

  • styrofoam – lil ugly mane

    I am not entirely sure what to say… I’ve been having a tough time focusing at work over the past few days. Stemming mostly from me just being overwhelmed with training. I really want to get working on something with a task. But I don’t really know the products I am using… So I’m glad I get to make the mistakes now. I just don’t want to fall into a pattern where I become absurdly lazy. It’s where I think my body wants to be, but my mind hates it.

    I’ve had trouble with motivation my entire life. Trying to motivate myself to do anything is a tough ask, I’ll tell you what. But I’ve tried to push past it. I’ve succeeded a bit. But it’s tough when it becomes that time of the year where I get laziest. I just need to refocus. Get myself back on the horse. Hopefully, I can do it!

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